Irish Tourist Board Issues Important Announcements.

Making your stay in Ireland as care-free as possible.

New messaging from An Bord Fáilte.

Here follows a new announcement for passengers landing in Ireland, courtesy of An Bord Fáilte- The Irish Tourist Board.

Ladies and gentlemen,

We will soon be landing at Dublin airport and we hope you have had a most pleasant flight. On behalf of the staff and crew on board we thank you for staying in your seats whilst troublemakers were wrestled to the ground and subdued by a number of pasengers. We thank them most sincerely for their help and hope nobody got too badly injured.

On behalf of the Irish Tourist Board we have a number of announcements that will help make your stay in the Emerald Isle as enjoyable as possible.

Please keep in mind that new hate speech laws have been introduced. Whilst it is unlikely that you will make any rash statements, it is advisable that smiling and laughing be kept to the bare minimum as this may cause offence if you happen to be looking in anyone's direction at the time.

Be aware that whilst staying in Ireland there is an increasing likelihood that you or your loved ones will get stabbed or witness a violent incident. Rest assured this has become a normal part of everyday life in a progressive Ireland.

On departing the plane you will be directed towards immigration. For those with an Irish complexion, you will need to undergo rigorous ID checks. For those who don't look Irish you can go straight through without hindrance. Please avail of free transport that will take you to your complimentary hotel accommodation courtesy of the Irish government.

If there are any pedophiles on board, we would like to welcome you to Ireland where you will be assisted by a judciary that basically rewards you for raping children. If you need any personal advice or assistance, just get in touch with Judge Martin Nolan who will help you to avoid any inconveniences that you might experience.

For those members of the LGBT community who are looking for a big of craic, there is plenty of craic to be found in the underground night club scene in and around Kildare street. You never know which government minister, judge, or top civil servant you might meet to get a selfie with.

May we remind you once more before we land that duty free items are available to purchase. We have a family special on stab vests where you can get 5 for the price of 3. We also have great deals on tazers, pepper spray, knuckle dusters and titanium kitchen knives.

So that's all for now.

Thanks for your attention and we hope you have a most enjoyable stay in Ireland, the land of a thousand welcomes.

Céad Mile Fáilte.