Politicians' Agonies Revealed

"The Lack Of Appreciation For Our Dedicated Service Is Devastating."

Micheál Martin- Deputy Prime Minister Of Ireland- The Greatest Obfuscator In Politics Today- Reveals His Struggles In The Seat Of Power.

“There is a huge demand for [lying]- If there weren’t, why would people continuously vote us back in year after year after year like clockwork?”

“People understand that lying is an art form, and it takes years to hone the prerequisite skills to become a successful politician. Some people criticise politicians for being completely devoid of truth- But as we can all see- There is a huge demand for our cunning deceitfulness- If there weren’t, then why would people continuously vote us back into office year after year after year like clockwork? People just love the whole circus show of democracy and government. It’s a religion for them- with rites and ceremonies that take place every four or five years. For political analysts, voting is a marvellous kind of customer survey where our people can gauge what kind of bullsh1t we need to spin for the next ride on the merry-go-round. That’s why we really need as many people to vote as possible, even if it’s for the “far-right”, “independents” or whoever. We all know that a government’s primary function is to rob taxpayers, and in return we work very very hard to assure everyone that we’re not robbing them, which, if you don’t mind my language, is bloody hard work. But some people really appreciate it as we can see. They assure themselves that everything’s fine and we all get back to doing our thing.” says Martin. “What would happen if we told the truth to our voters? The government would fall like a 110 storey steel frame building in Manhattan. There would be sheer panic and chaos, and people would do something they have never ever done before- Get angry. On top of that there would probably be a call for accountability. How could the world possibly expect to survive that?” Martin says with an expression of unbridled sincerity and the mildest hint of a tear in his eyes.

“Pretending to give a sh*t about people is the hardest task of all. My face aches daily with all the contortions I have to put it through; Looking sincere, honest, compassionate, righteously indignant or angry; Conjuring these facial expressions takes a very heavy toll. Every day I need to spend time in a padded room deep in the underground tunnels of Leinster House (government buildings in Dublin) to scream and punch the walls just to deal with the stress of it all. The other problem is dealing with the level of hatred and contempt I have for those pathetic morons who vote for me. I really despise them. They are like little clingy fawning pets who just don’t get it. To be fair, they do all I ask of them, but every now and again one of them comes to me with their problems. They find it impossible to understand I’m never ever going to lift a finger to help. First of all I’m not even mildly interested, but second of all, can you imagine what would happen if I actually did legitimately solve someone’s problem? My colleagues would start to eye me with suspicion- They would think I’ve turned on them. Before you know it I’m finished with the Freemasons- Right now I’m on course for membership of the Grand Knight Preceptory Order Of The Divine Secret Keepers Of Nefarious Things That Shall Not Be Spoken Of. All those years of kneeling, bowing, kissing, bleeding and all that other crazy stuff we have to do in order to get ahead- All for nothing? No thank you.

I didn’t bail out of my first year in the job as a teacher to fail at politics. It’s all I know. The world works outside is a complete mystery to me. I’ve never earned a day’s wages in my life. I just hope that people will grow to understand how tough life is for us politicians. I suppose what I really mean is that I hope people will just get the f*ck out of the way and let me get on with my job. Destroying civilisation doesn’t happen all by itself. It needs dedicated people lying, stealing and cheating to get this thing done. We politicians work at this stuff 24/7/365 rain or shine. Sure we get nice kickbacks and pay, a massive pension and cushy jobs waiting for us after our time in office, but in reality these are small compensations for the tremendous job we do. Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day you know.” he says with his charming, moronic, devilish smile which is so popular with Irish voters- Bertie Ahern the former Irish PM and Martin’s mentor knows how important such traits are to any self respecting Irish politician.

Micheál learned from the best.

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