Polyvinylchloride Declared “Nutritious”

WHO updates status of PVC- A substance previously thought to be "a highly dangerous carcinogen.”

Breakthrough studies from a scientific group founded very recently with the help of an emergency grant from the Annenburg Foundation* (Founders of factcheck.org) found that "Contrary to long held medical opinion based on decades of scientific research, it turns out that there are actually no problems with humans ingesting large volumes of polyvinylchloride. Surprisingly there are many previously undiscovered benefits.” Gregory Giftfruchtgartner of Rapid Response Researchers told the Gazette. "In fact my family and I regularly partake in PVC-infused food. Its great for the digestion once you get over the initial discomfort. People are generally far too cautious about such substances that scientists literally call “organic.”… “Of course you might find the smell a little offputting but you can get used to all kinds of discomfort.”

“Most people have never tucked into a delicious PVC muffin.” says Klaus Totschlag. “The experience is quite unforgettable.” (Image courtesty https://pixabay.com/images/id-1495368/)

Meanwhile, multinational chemical corporations are swiftly moving into the food sector with plans to create health snacks reflecting the modern on-the-go lifestyle. "We feel that the public are ready to embrace new foods." says Chemical Sludge Corporation product manager Klaus Totschlag. "Waste chemicals are really expensive to dump. Why not embrace them as opportunities? Of course we need to test them on people, but that shouldn't slow down the inevitable march of progress. We are currently selling this to our shareholders. Of course It will take them time to get used to it, but there's a lot of money to be made in experimental substances as we found out in 2020, right?" Totschlag didn't elaborate.

Fashion houses are also fascinated with the possibilities of edible PVC. "Imagine being able to consume your worn out pants- What better way to save the planet?" says Sergio Testa di Cazzo, chief designer with Pantaloni Senza Cavallo Milan. “We want people to literally taste our fashion. Now we have the opportunity.”

Above: Sergio Testa di Cazzo: Excited about the new possibilities in PVC couture.

Image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/images/id-591973/

*Please note: This article is strictly parody. None of it is true. No globalists were injured in the making of this blog post.