"Sausage Fingers" Are A Symptom Of Innate Greatness

King Charles III manifests elements of Divine Majesty in his physical attributes.

Before we pour scorn upon the fat fingers of His Royal Highness King Charles III, let us pause for a moment to consider how such an unusual affliction may have arisen. King Charles III descends from an illustrious lineage of great families. The European Royal dynasties (and great dynasties in general) understand the importance of maintaining order and stability, which is why they usually feel a need to keep things in the family. Marrying one’s cousin is just one of the many sacrifices that a royal must make.

While this helps avoid the discomfort and embarrassment of trying to find someone to marry, the resulting children may not quite appreciate the benefits. Charles’ pronounced finger girth condition is known as dactylitis, and is assumed to be linked to genetic causes. That’s on top of his rosacea- “red face” problem. Such conditions are merely the health conditions that we know about. Great leaders must endure great burdens.

Just ask the Hapsburgs.

The famed Hapsburg Jaw.

The next time we might be tempted to sneer at the physical attributes of our great leaders, let us remember that they didn’t ask to look the way they do. And if they end up taking over the world, it all probably just stems from a quite justifiable need to get even with the universe.

Klaus und Hilde Schwab on their wedding day. They too bear the great ignominy that is borne by many aristocrats: Hilde’s enormous chin is a giveaway. Klaus’ inner scars seem to prevent him from smiling or sharing a joke. He can’t even manage one for the camera on his wedding day.