TRUMP "SUPER EXCITED" ABOUT PHOTOSHOOT

But Not Everyone Else Is...

Last Saturday week's PR event was "The best ever" according to Mr. T

Everything went like clockwork, except for a few "small details". Secret service diversity hire chief Kimberly Cheatle was all smiles "It was immaculate" she said. Film director Dusty Hoffmeister didn't feel the same way. "The timing was all over the place. There were gaps so large you could fly a United Airlines flight through them; And don't start me on the props and the acting." he said. "We were supposed to have the whole thing done and dusted before you could yell "look out, he's got a gun." And as for the Don- First of all he didn't even come close to flinching; He cups his hand over his ear like he's Joe Biden checking for voices in his head, and it takes him about a half hour to duck. It was like watching a bad soap opera on daytime TV. Whoever that shooter guy we hired was took about three hours to fire after he pops his head over the roof, making the secret service look like they were just having a day out.

After Trump’s ear is supposedly ripped off and spewing blood, he flashes his open hand which looks like Snow White’s after a good bath. The scrum-down takes several decades. I mean how long does it take to apply a wound after we went over it a million times? When they finally get up, they're supposed to look like they're shielding him and at least hesitant to allow another clean head-shot. Is there a trace of blood on his shirt collar? Nope. The crowd in the background looks bored. I thought we were supposed to convey mass panic- people running for their lives, but we somehow forgot to tell anybody in the rent-a-crowd. Again, I told Trump personally- in fact I begged him- to keep his f*cking hand closed. He point blank refused to hold a blood cap in his fist, because of his goddam stupid germophobia or small-hands-o-phobia or whatever it is that's going on inside that orange of his. To cap it all off, we couldn’t even spell Comperatore’s name properly on his fireman’s jacket for the photo. I weep for mankind when so-called professionals are just going to be that f*cking careless.

OK so we got the triumphal-raised-fist shots, but only after looking like Police Academy. We needed at least some credibility to make this work, but forget about it. Our Iwo Jima moment is beyond repair. How the hell is our photo going to stand the test of time?" Hoffmeister was visibly upset and angry so we felt it was best to let it there. He asked us to let the world know that neither is he feeling suicidal nor is he suffering any serious heart or circulatory conditions. He will be taking an extended vacation where he’ll be unavailable for further comment.

EAR FRAGMENT

Hoffmeister was hoping to make a public Shrine to Trump’s Ear Fragment but again, the Don was unwilling to donate. “I gave everything to this project.” he said with a look of sadness and foreboding in his eye.