UPLOAD YOUR CONFESSION™
Download Your Forgiveness™
The Vatican™ has teamed up with the World Economic Forum and Globalist Confessions™ to provide a Confession Service™ for those who wish to unburden themselves to a Catholic Priest™. This can be done via an online form, which is reviewed by one of our qualified Dominican™, Franciscan™ or Jesuit™ Fathers. Your verified personalised Penance™ can be ordered and downloaded for the incredible bargain of $75. Once you have completed your Penance™ and uploaded verified proof & ID documentation, a Certificate of Forgiveness™ will be issued- This can be downloaded from our website. or for an extra $25 + P&P a framed printed certificate can be posted to you.
"This is a marvellous step forward for the faithful" says Cardinal Becciu, fresh from his criminal trial for embezzlement using Vatican bank funds where he faces a potential five and a half year jail sentence but is confident of beating the rap. “It is wonderful to think that God’s mercy can now be distributed so efficiently via the internet. People lead busy lives and don’t have a lot of time to organise Confession™. This is a perfect way to address the problem.”
“When you think about it- It’s such an incredible service we’re providing- To have all of your sins forgiven for such a modest sum seems like a Miracle™. But we want to provide this solution to as many Sinners™ as possible. It’s just who we are as a Church™ and as individuals. When you consider we are saving people from Eternal Damnation™ it just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.” Users of the service are just as enthusiastic about it. Uli Kannnichtandersalszusündigen from Geneva who has had serious compulsion issues all his life is delighted with his monthly subscription (€50 p/m with free murder dispensation included.) “It’s such a relief to know that whenever my conscience pricks me I can wipe all my iniquities away by just carefully filling out an online form. It’s a complete game-changer for me.”
What about security?
“We take the Confessional™ extremely seriously indeed” says Becciu. “I personal have many skeletons in my closet that I don’t want out there, and I can say hand on heart that Globalist Confessions™ have all this thoroughly figured out with their military grade SHA 256 Eliptical curve encryption with servers stored deep within secret bunkers in the Swiss Alps. Not even Tony Blair is worried about his Sins™ being made public, and that’s really saying something. Bono™ is also a big fan, as is Pope™ Francis. Jeffrey Epstein wanted to get involved at one stage but that was before he very unfortunately took his own life*.”
“We are also looking at AI technology that can take the place of human Priests™ in providing Penance™ but the Curia™ are very slow to give such power over to bots. You know how slow we can be with such things- It took centuries before the Church™ allowed people to read books. Still, we’re sure this new product is going to be a roaring success.”
I've decided to stop sinning™ to save money. Thanks anyway.
EFFIN BRILLIANT! Laughter is good medicine...thus I'm almost overmedicated, lol, by this tongue in cheek write-up. Comedy gold! Thank you.