MAN SHOT DEAD READING STOIC LITERATURE
Peaceful Picnic In Park Turns Into Horror Show
Sheep Meadow, Central Park, New York.
19th June 2024
Friedrich Waszumteufel had his life rescinded by New York State Police Special Operations Response Team (SORT) members in Central Park this morning, They were responding to reports of a man reading a book clearly marked "Epictetus". Following the incident the area was sealed off and sniffer dogs were deployed to find any other incendiary materials in the vicinity. The deceased was also found to be in possession of "Stoicism for Inner Peace" by Einzelganger- A YouTuber who is now wanted for questioning. Traumatised onlookers were treated by a team of psychologists specialising in Restorative Angel Therapy after they had been subjected to what one described as "profoundly traumatising ideas about self-reliance, integrity, wisdom and inquiry" Psychologists from the Rapid Angel Response Team believe that regaining mental stability will require a long and arduous journey of taking medication.
Who Is Epictetus And Why Are His Ideas So Dangerous?
To answer this question we spoke to an FBI expert source :"Quoting from the Daily Stoic website: "Epictetus was born nearly 2,000 years ago in Hierapolis (present-day Pamukkale in Turkey) as a slave in a wealthy household." His Discourses are widely available, and we've recommended for many years that they be suppressed, but it seems that "free speech" trumps the right to be insulated against highly explosive materials that anyone tall enough to reach a bookshelf can acquire. We understand that academics may need to reference philosophers, but they are trained to diffuse dangerous content and ensure that their students can feel safe and secure from introspection. Epictetus presented himself as some kind of good guy who merely wished to educate his fellow man, but our accepted modern understanding is that he was a serious grifter, merely seeking a few drachmas in exchange for spouting psychobabble to a bunch of deranged morons."
Distraught Victim Speaks Out
One victim told us her story. "A group of my friends and I were out enjoying a picnic in the park when we spotted someone reading a book. Naturally we were curious to know what it was. Who reads books nowadays? So we went over to where he was sitting. At first he seemed friendly. I asked him what he was reading and he told me it was a book about philosophy. I asked him what that meant, but I wasn't prepared for what came next. He started asking me questions about the meanings of words and all about logical statements. I started to feel really anxious. I told him to stop and apologise for how I felt, but all he did was nothing. He went back to reading his book. That's when I decided to take matters into my own hands and call the police. When they arrived on the scene they aimed their guns at him and they ordered him to drop the book and apologise, but it was obvious that he just didn't care. He just looked back at us with a kind of slightly confused look. That's when they nailed him. Good riddance I say. He was one smug son of a bitch. "
Stoicism: A Dead End
It has by now become apparent to anyone with a modicum of intelligence that most of mankind's problems have already been solved. Admittedly you can point to a few conflicts going on here and there in far-flung Godforsaken places, but in the peaceful West the State has absolutely "crushed it"- to use modern day parlance. Why then would anyone need to take on the impossible burden of thinking, coming to conclusions or making decisions? Surely people have enough to worry about in their daily lives such as paying down a mortgage and saving for retirement. Stoicism is an anachronistic self-help formula for those who just can't cope with the superior reality that’s been provided by the State since it came into existence. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Stoicism promises a happier and more fulfilling existence for the common man or woman, but what does it really deliver? It requires effort, perseverance and dedication to achieve the benefits it promises. On the other hand, the State offers Automatic Fulfilment. Which sounds better we ask you? It is not only necessary for us all to submit to the State but in fact it is quite dangerous not to do so. Only those in power have the capacity to make decisions. If we all started having our own thoughts and opinions where would we be? We'd have a lot of self-professed philosophers lazing around instead of confributing to GDP. It was all very well for Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Diogenes, Epictetus, and the rest of them to say nice things but meanwhile the business of the real world must go on. We can all see what happened in the case of Mr. Waszumteufel. Stoicism didn't do a lot for him did it? That smug b\*\*\*\*\*d.
Excellent reinforcement of our code of behavior. It's why we pay you so well. Keep it up comrade.