The Penis Olympics 2024
Quelle Surprise!
Who would have imagined that the 33rd Olympic games opening ceremony could be so incredibly spectacular?
Some might call the opening ceremony of the 2024 Olympics an unfettered freak-show, but to do so would reveal oneself as an uncultured philistine devoid of mental agility; For those of us with a refined aesthetic sense, there was so much to love about that evening’s spectacle; Undoubtedly the most impressive segment was the performance of a lively troupe of transsexuals- whose number included an 8 year old child- cavorting on the Passerelle Debilly bridge; Nightmarish themes of death, blood, gore and violence created an ambience of unbridled decadence, which, though admittedly a little dark, was ultimately fun and family-friendly. The stupendously-long Satanic ritual featured, amongst other things, an effigy of Moloch- the god of child-sacrifice; Blood-coloured confetti spewing out of buildings; Singing disembodied heads; A faceless horse-rider atop an occult-themed robotic metal steed riding down the Seine- held aloft by an invisible submarine.
Not everything went exactly to plan however; The Olympic flag was raised upside-down; One performer couldn’t help getting caught on camera letting his balls hang out of his shorts, and event planners finally decided that swimming events in the Seine would have to be cancelled due to the fact that, despite their best efforts, Paris is still full of shit; The momentum of this exhilarating gore-fest/ orgy-climax was interrupted by intermittent television segments that were about as welcome as a Novena in a brothel- Politician types couldn’t resist the temptation to bore everyone to death with long drawn-out monologues- the contents of which no-one will ever recall. The speeches were almost as mind-numbingly inane as watching the various Olympic teams smile and wave furiously from their flotillas on the Seine- All whilst doing their best to ignore the hunger pangs induced by the four-hour wait during the unmerciful torrential downpour that was obviously sent by God to ruin Satan’s day out. Thankfully none of the performers on the night slipped off any greasy metal roofs or floating platforms, even though, come to think of it, this would have added to the overall effect.
Finally, after fighting off boredom-induced sleep from watching the torch-bearers jog around Parisien streets for what seemed like an eternity, television audiences were treated to what was the most spectacular image of the evening: A moat of fire held aloft by a spherical golden balloon seen through the central opening of l’Arc de Triomphe; and lit in such a dramatic macabre fashion as to induce a bone-chilling effect.
Aftermath
President Macron is being pilloried for using the Olympics as an excuse to elevate the memory of Simone de Beauvoir, the paedophile-rights campaigner (and paedophile) whose reputation as a second-wave feminist assures that her legacy will remain untouched. Organisers of the 2024 Games are suffering unmerciful attacks from an ungrateful public for kicking unaccompanied child asylum-seekers out of the city centre while Steven Van De Velde, a convicted child rapist is allowed to compete for the Dutch volleyball team; The hard-working Olympic organisers are also having to deal with backlash from pearl-clutching Christians outraged at poor old Satan finally getting a chance to reveal himself in public. It seems that Christians haven’t yet read the memo: Satan is now cool.
Public notice
Are you attending the 2024 Games? Just know that if you happen to get mugged or raped by a sex-crazed maniac drawn to the ultra-liberal environment of the Olympics you can call the Paris Bar Association who have set up a handy free hotline.
Here’s what it says on their website:
By calling 0806 142 142, individuals facing any legal difficulty will be connected, after presenting their situation to an operator, free of charge, with a Parisian lawyer.
IOC Partners
The International Olympic Committee couldn’t carry out the great work they do without the support of their partners. Why not take a minute to look them up and support these fine corporations?
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Pain et cirques
i myself felt quite relieved after watching the opening ceremonies. i've had a case of blue balls for almost a month, but mr. blue boy/yellow beard apparently refused to take matters into hand so to speak. for that kind of abuse he should be in a penal colony. or should that be penile colony. but you have to hand it to the french (figuratively), no other nation would have the balls to organize such a dazzling ceremony of trans-gression. thankfully, it took the french to temporarily make the masses forget that all the previous olympic torches were blatant phallic symbols. i have it on good authority that during the closing ceremonies all the athletes will exit the stadium through a gigantic vagina formed by children wearing only ball gags and butt plugs.